Man and His Dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"We ll, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Way to Get Out of Debt

It is a slow day in the East Texas town of Madisonville. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town. He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a $100 bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her “services” on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor, paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment. The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs, after inspecting the rooms. He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory…… Pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town. No one earned anything. However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

Sport Jocks!

A little known fact...The first testicular guard (Cup) was used in baseball in 1874. The first helmet was used in 1934. ~~ It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

Quiz: How Old Are You Really?

From the following list of 25 items, count all the ones that you remember -- not the ones you were told about! How to score yourself is at the end.

Blackjack chewing gum
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar-water
Candy cigarettes
Soda-pop machines that dispensed bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P. F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (e.g., Olive - 6933)
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45-RPM records ... and 78-RPM records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fi systems
Metal ice trays with lever
Mimeograph paper
Blue flashbulb
Packards
Rollerskate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-in theaters
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
If you remembered!
0 - 5 = You're still young
6 - 10 = You are getting older
11 - 15 = Don't tell your age
16 - 25 = You're older than you think!

Hard of Hearing

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful."